a Perspective from “T”

Last night my dad brought over a box of some of my old things. He wanted me to sift through them before they got thrown out. The box was mostly just odds and ends. Some things were of sentimental value. Some I had no clue what they were or where they came from. But while I was rifling through the box I came across this belt. At first glance it’s just a belt. Nothing more, nothing less. But then I remembered this belt and the story that comes with it. You see this was the belt I had for year’s in active addiction. It was the only belt I owned. It stayed looped in to an unwashed pair of jeans or shorts most of the time. But I would always have to take it off and use it as a tourniquet. If anyone were to ever find me unresponsive, they would have inevitably found this belt right beside me.

Withered, tattered, unremarkable. Just like it’s owner.

As I spent a little time holding this totem in my hand. I saw the punch holes and how they stretched. Holding strong as addiction depleted more and more of my physical self. The literal physical proof of addiction tightening it’s grips on me. Then I noticed the last hole. Punched in by a knife. The leather worn deep from the metal buckle. At first it made me so incredibly sad. But as I continued to reflect I also realized that last rung was when I decided to stop. Finally touching the bottom of what felt like an endless hole. You see I found rock bottom when I chose to stop digging. It’s where I chose to tighten that belt one final time and make a change. To come back to life and the people in it. To have the life I have today. With my beautiful family. My incredible friends. My amazing job. All things that I never thought I’d have or deserve.

And now that this belt has made it’s way back to me, I think I’ll keep it. Not because I need it. I can afford more than one belt today. Not because it fits. My time in sobriety certainly made sure of that. But to remind me of my choice to change. To remind me that we can always add another notch to our pain and suffering. But we don’t have to. And to remind me that things can always be more than they appear to be.

Much love to all, T