ThiS waS mE…
When mY Mother was murdered, I dealT with iT..
I grieveD the loss of heR physical beinG, but was aT PeacE because she was with heR MakeR 🙏
But what came afteR, I waS unprepareD foR… losing mY soN to addictioN… watchinG him suffeR dailY… everY daY he fadeD more & more.. mY flesh & blooD waz a complete strangeR… hiS eyeS were emptY, no shine iN hiS souL…he waS jusT an existencE… I neveR kneW what was cominG.. I’d neveR answeR unknowN numberS.. knockS at the dooR, neveR knowing what waS on the otheR side… running into hiS friendS or mine & alwayS preparing myselF to heaR bad newS.. watching the newS & worried I’d see hiS face… everywhere & everythinG waS jusT 24/7 with worrY, sadness, anxietY & paranoiA thaT anotheR ball would droP & manY diD..
The worsT parT of AddictioN is watching your flesH & blooD drift off & there iS absolutelY nothiN you caN do to fiX iT.. I was judgeD, I waS told I should be ashamed of myself for helpinG complete strangerS (the volunteer work I did at the jail)& turninG my bacK on mY soN & noT helpinG hiM.. I waS told I waS fakE & I’d be exposeD for the horrible persoN thaT I waS for portraying myselF to be someone so righteouS.. these thingS were so harD to heaR, I questioneD myselF ofteN… but ultimately I chose to staY true to myselF & swore iD neveR allow what I’d beeN through to change mY hearT or mY desire to helP otherS.. Tuff-Luv is the mosT excruciatinG paiN of all… knowinG hiS hearT is beating, buT that he only liveS to be higH… knowing thaT his hearT hurtS because he thinkS I hate hiM, knowinG he has no where to go because I refuseD him in mY home.. knowing he’s hungrY because hiS onlY moneY waz spenT on dopE… hiS hearT beatS, but itS emptY..
Soooo manY nightS/dayS i jusT crieD… I PrayeD… I pretendeD life waS finE.. the TrutH, when youR chilD sufferS, you suffeR righT alonG with theM… alwayS
How TrulY Grateful I am for thiS daY… for the lasT 90 pluS dayS of mY sonS sobrietY… the re-birth iS just amazinG to witness.. watchinG hiS dailY growtH.. we talK everYdaY.. severaL timeS a daY & I looK forwarD to iT.. there waS a time iN his active using thaT id noT take hiS callS.. todaY, I canT waiT to heaR youR voice…
I’m one of the luckY oneS, foR todaY mY son is cleaN.. still haS a lonG roaD to go dowN,,,
but togetheR we caN do anythinG…
-MommA DukeS from ChucktowN
