1 day until I’ve been at my dream job 1 year
4 days until the end of an ass kicking semester
13 days post op from the BIGGEST scare of my life
20 days until I have 5 WHOLE DAMN YEARS clean
27 days ‘til I marry my best friend
And during it all …. it’s been a constant numbers game of paying debts, raising my credit score, and praying for the right numbers to buy our first home.
Numbers….
1794 days ago, not one of those numbers was possible. Not 1!
I lacked a belief in myself. I lacked self-worth. I lacked hope. I lost my dreams. I thought no one wanted me here and everyone was better off without me.
Yesterday I was working with a client and it dawned on me – I am a woman I never thought I could be. I am compassionate. I am caring. I am fierce. I am funny. I am fallible. I am worthy. I am imperfect. I am me.
Every one of those numbers is a blessing. As I sit here, relaxing on our couch, in our home, with the windows open, listening to the neighbor’s wind chimes and the breeze ruffle the leaves in the trees I am grateful. Grateful for God’s grace and mercy. Grateful for Narcotics Anonymous. Grateful for the amazing women in my network. Grateful to the doctors and nurses at MUSC. Grateful to my parents, my kids and my fiancé for all stepping in without hesitation to surround me with the love I once thought I wasn’t worthy of.
Numbers ….
12. 12 steps. 12 steps and 12 traditions that have taught me a new way of life. A new way to live. A new way to love. A new way to think. A new way to behave.
1 – 1 day at a time. That’s how it works. One day at a time. To live in the past is to live in shame, guilt, and resentments. To live in the future is to live in fear. But to live for today – that is the present which is absolutely a gift. The gift of recovery. The gift of freedom from active addiction. The gift of CHOICE.
-One Fierce Woman
