Hurt – written by Trent Reznor
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I’m still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Johnny Cash performed an incredibly moving rendition of this song seven months before he died. I have watched Cash’s performance many times, each time, I find it hauntingly beautiful.
Today I came across this performance by 2 Cellos; again, I was swept into the soul of human suffering; I felt everything.
I was struck by how they played with their eyes shut.
Maybe we close our eyes so that we can feel without the interruption of visual input. Perhaps we connect more deeply to ourselves and others when our eyes are closed. Maybe this is how we reach our most profound human spaces.
Can we touch the pain, grief, and sadness at another level with our eyes closed? I don’t know, maybe?
I have a picture of my son after using heroin. The pain on his face was incredible; I could feel it. He told me once that he used heroin to relieve pain. Dope removed the pain of withdrawal, but only for a while, then the pain would return. What strikes me now is the other pain, the one that doesn’t bleed, the one in the lyrics to Hurt. Why are we so focused on self-harming drug and alcohol use and not the cause of the pain?
Maybe we use our eyes too much to analyze. Perhaps if we accept that pain exists and help others heal their feelings of brokenness, their regrets, their shame…..
Maybe we need to close our eyes and ask, “Why the pain?” and then…… listen.
-Kathy Koenigsdorf – Jake’s mom
